Take Apart Your Head
I have to be up in two hours and twenty minutes. I have yet to go to sleep. My sleeping patterns are messed up again. I’m having weird dreams that I can’t seem to stop thinking about. In these dreams… I’m alone. Everything is dark. Everything is cold. The air is filled with rain, but the rain is ash. I see skeletal remains all around me. I keep yelling out, “Hello?… Hello?…”, but I get no response. I don’t know what this dream means, but I’ve been having it for the last few nights. I hate the fact that this is keeping me from going to sleep.
I’m having another dream as well. This dream is about a girl. I recognize her face and I recognize her voice. Her touch is something that’s familiar, and her scent is one of vanilla. I chase her in my dream and I keep apologizing and asking her if she’d wait. I don’t know what it means. It’s been far too long for me to even think about any of this stuff. In that dream though… it’s something special. It’s not dark. It’s not cold. I’m not alone. It’s an open field and it feels like the first day of spring. Like one of those memories that reminds you that you’re human and that you’re not as big of asshole that you make yourself out to be.
The dream above is the one I hope for when I go to sleep. Whether it happens or not, it’s what I hope for. It reminds me of a time where I was free and I knew what I wanted and what I had. I still know what I want, but I don’t have it. Not anymore anyway. I feel like I’ve driven everyone away, whether it was on purpose or not. I feel like it happened and it just took me so long to get my head out of my own ass to realize it. I wish I could just go back to 2006 and do everything differently. My life would have been so much better. I’m playing catch up now.
The only reason I write this here is because I know no one will read it. This area is basically my safe ground. I have a strange feeling about the first dream I described. I see it as the end. I don’t know what it really means, but that’s just the feeling I get from it. Maybe it’s the worlds end. Maybe it’s my end. What ever it is, I know it’s the death of something.
If there is someone that read this, thank you.
“Goodbye to sleep, I think this staying up is exactly what I need” – Brand New - Degausser
